By Kristi M.
My name is Kristi and I am a very grateful recovering addict.
It wasn’t always this way, though. I was born to parents who loved me but couldn’t love each other. They divorced when I was two, and my dad got custody.
When I was seven my mom regained custody, and I moved back in with her and my new step-father. At age 10 I began skipping school. My behavior didn’t improve so I was put in a behavioral program for children. I did well there and after five weeks I returned home.
Everything went well for awhile, then my mom and step-father divorced. We moved and I started going to a new school. My classmates made fun of me a lot, but I found that cigarettes made me feel cool and accepted.
I had never been exposed to drugs growing up as a child and had always been told to say “no” to them, but at age 12, when I first smoked marijuana, I couldn’t figure out what was so terribly wrong with something that made me feel so good.
I also discovered men and alcohol. I met Shawn, who was 18. We were together for six months. It was during this period that I lost my virginity, but I gained something in return. I found what I thought to be love, and access to a full liquor cabinet. If I couldn’t feel good from the sex, I knew the liquor and the pot would work.
At age 13, I was introduced to cocaine. This I liked. Not only did it make me feel good, but it also made me confident enough to pursue older men. Every man promised something. Some would follow through, some wouldn’t. It didn’t really matter, though. Cocaine was my true love and it never let me down.
Soon after that I began using meth. I felt on top of the world, 10 feet tall and bulletproof. Nothing else mattered. Not even my distraught mom, who stayed up late many nights worrying and calling the police in hopes that they could find me.
Within a year we moved again. My mom was happy—no phone, no friends, no worries. But as soon as things began to look up, I was at it again. I began going to Raves and associating with people I had absolutely no business dealing with. I began using meth again, only this time it got much worse.
At home one afternoon I completely lost it and attempted to take my own life. This was the first of many attempts to come. After being treated I was taken to the sheriff’s department, where I impatiently awaited the arrival of a psychiatrist.
That same night I packed my belongings and went to the Bridgeway, where I was admitted for short-term treatment. This was the first of two stays. Fortunately for me, my second stay was long-term and I was introduced to Narcotics and Alcoholics Anonymous.
I became very active in the program and after a year of continuous sobriety, I happily accepted my one-year coin. Unfortunately, I did not continue going to my meetings and working my program, and I relapsed two months after my one-year AA birthday.
Over the next two years I lived every day like it was like my last. I was kicked out of school, placed on probation for theft, and I was involved with a man 12 years my senior, all the while having numerous affairs.
I somehow managed to obtain my GED in the midst of all this. I was using heavily and continued to party day and night. I had been working at Raves doing lighting for awhile, now, so I had an unlimited access to drugs. I used anything I could get my hands on.
One night my boyfriend and I had gotten into a fight, and he told me I needed to leave, so I did. I hopped a bus to California to stay with a man I had met online. On the way, I met a man in Texas. Within a month of us meeting, he and I were returning to Arkansas. Two years later we were married, with two beautiful daughters.
They weren’t enough to keep me from using, however. Two months after the birth of our second daughter I began using cocaine intravenously. I fell in love with it, and for the next six years, cocaine victimized me once again.
Bouts of sobriety
I would have bouts of sobriety but not anything long enough to make a difference. Within the first year, my love for this beast led to the loss of our home, the loss of thousands of dollars, a felony conviction, a separation, my sanity, self respect and the trust and respect of others.
Anything I had to do to get high I did. I worked for an escort service to earn money to support my addiction and risked ruining my marriage due to my infidelity. I couldn’t hold down a job nor could I complete my schooling because getting high was more important to me.
Every couple of years I’d think that suicide would bring an end to my suffering, but I was too scared to follow through. I was slowly crying out, pleading for someone, anyone, to save me.
I violated my probation because I couldn’t stay clean long enough to pass a drug test. I went to rehab and institutions but couldn’t get the answer I wanted. I wanted to quit, but I wasn’t ready.
In July 2008 my husband had had enough. He kicked me out on the streets. I left the state only to return four months later. I moved in with my friend, Nathan. Two weeks later he proposed. I began using him, taking money from his account, lying and cheating again.
Finally the day came when I couldn’t take any more. I attempted suicide once again, only this time I nearly succeeded. Nathan came home and found me, and he called an ambulance. I told Nathan I was an addict and that I needed help. He tried to help me, but within a week I was injecting cocaine into his arm.
I was so sick I was willing to take this man’s life down just so I could continue to feed this cocaine monster that never gave a damn about me. And while I was high I cried out, “I can’t do this anymore.” I was killing both myself and an innocent person.
Three weeks later I was arrested. Someone had heard me. I stood in front of the judge as he sentenced me to the Department of Community Corrections, where I am currently incarcerated.
Today, I am grateful. For some, it doesn’t take prison. For me it did. I have been clean and sober a year, now. I have burned a lot of bridges, but through a program of recovery and help from a power greater than myself I am on my way to rebuilding these relationships.
I am renewing a relationship with my dad, my grandmother and soon, my mom, I hope. My fiancé, Nathan, comes to visit me every weekend, and my kids visit as often as they can.
I am truly blessed and I want you to know you can be too! All it takes is complete honesty, open mindedness and willingness. By keeping it simple and taking it one day at a time, I am able to do the most important of all things, live.
Editor’s note: Kristi completed her sentence at the Unit One prison in Pine Bluff and was released on March 1, 2010. She had served 12 months and 11 days. During her first week of freedom she married her fiancé, Nathan, and visited her children now in the custody of her ex-husband. She is working her program of recovery, and says. “I’m okay with that. Just for today, I’m okay…“
